I’ve never been more lost than I am right now.
Being on a sabbatical to “figure things out” is an opportunity that I’ve always looked forward to. I imagined having all the time in the world doing so much more than what I’ve been doing before.
I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to write my thoughts and hopefully inspire other people. I wanted to share stories. Perhaps, even embrace a happier life altogether.
And so, I did travel. I took on a 3-month backpacking trip around Europe and Morocco, then went to different destinations in the Philippines and even managed to “take a break” from the break in Taiwan. In my own little way, I embraced the world.
At first, almost everything came together. Spontaneity, impulse, signs, the destination, and the people. Life felt so surreal.
In between those trips, I’ve also had the opportunity to reset at the comfort of my home in the Philippines. This allowed me to work my heart in my blog, get re-acquainted with having a domesticated kind-of-life, catch up on some TV shows, and apply for grad school. All with the luxury of procrastination.
But after my last trip, I felt conflicted between going on or going home. I felt exhausted physically and mentally. At the same time, I was scared that if I allowed myself to take a break again, my own comfort zone could eat me alive.
It was then that I just couldn’t decide for myself. I didn’t know my heart. I had no idea anymore and at that point, I needed someone to tell me what to do.
My sister told me to go home. And so I did. I went home.
The thing about having so much time is that, you can be too flexible to the point of even procrastinating. You can allow yourself to just be. To do anything and do nothing. You can live as you desire, not force things and let bliss be followed.
But as fancy as that may appear, it isn’t always the case, is it? In reality, you actually need to be more mindful and be more responsible than ever because everything is solely up to you.
Being at home, I felt rejuvenated in the beginning. It was comfortable. That was the first two to three weeks, I think.
And then I eventually felt lonely. I felt unaccomplished by not doing anything, suffocated of being at home, unmotivated to move forward, non-committal to long term plans, and worst of all, I felt depressed. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I know I brought it upon myself. I could see myself drifting away and I know that I’m the only one who could do something about it. But, I wasn’t doing anything.
- As much as I needed direction, I couldn’t commit yet going back to the normalcy of work and life because I felt like there’s still so much to see and so much to do.
- As much as I am compelled to travel, my heart couldn’t speak volumes of where to go, of where to start.
- And as much as I wanted to really leave, I knew I have to face the challenge of balancing between my sense of belonging to the world out there and to deep-rootedness at home.
In spite of the desire, the opportunities, the ideas, and the tons of inspiration going around me, I find it difficult to start again. I was lost on my own.
And yes, I’ve never been more lost than ever.
I acknowledge the fact that for most people in the world, my issues are definitely nothing. But you know, it’s truly difficult if you are clouded in your own misery. And that’s where I was.
I was afraid to face it, to admit it. And most of all, given this downfall, I was afraid to be true. But that’s what I really needed: to be true. Otherwise, I won’t be able to pull myself together.
I know I have to take small steps to get myself out of the so-called funk. I needed to start somewhere, anywhere for that matter and not wait anymore. But listening to my heart on a deeper level, I know that I need to do more than that.
Every cloud has a silver lining
Over the past week, a variety of lights has somehow sparked upon me.
I chanced upon a big social-media travel influencer which made me question where I am in my own platform right now. It made me feel smaller and irrelevant. And as much as I tell myself that “you shouldn’t compare because we all have our own purpose in this world,” and “we are exactly where we’re supposed to be,” I couldn’t really wrap my head around it. Maybe because I know that I could’ve done a lot more had I really invested more of my heart into the things that I am passionate about.
But that hiccup also made me realize that I don’t want to “just travel” anymore. On a positive light, it made me realize that I want to engage even more to the people that I meet, to the places that I get to see, and lastly, to make a difference in both words and actions. I want to make a positive impact on the places that I get to visit as much as I want to raise awareness through my platform. I want to make a difference in the life of travel.
It was also then that I came across Anita Wing Lee’s blog which truly resonated with me. My desire to give an impact to this world became stronger. I know that I have so much to give. I also know that I can do so much. I know that my heart can see right through the beauty and can speak volumes about it. And lastly, I know that I just have to look deep within to get my bearings back again. It’s there, deep within my heart. It is only I who can do the things that I want, I just needed to find it within me. And once I get it right back again, I know that the world would back me up in every step of the way.
I am still in the process of sorting things out for myself. As of late, I’ve been trying to seek opportunities to fuel my passion to see the world, opportunities that would also allow me to give back in return. And in 2 days, I will jet off to go somewhere familiar and will try to move gradually to explore the unknown again.
With everything considered, my intentions will remain the same. With all my heart, I aim to be true, to be authentic, and to be responsible. And I trust that this world will embrace me whole heartedly, just the same.
For those of you who feel the same way, whose feelings resonate with me, trust that things will work out soon, at your own pace, in your own time. Always.